Thursday, 29 August 2013

Beyond Choice

Sorry, I haven't posted anything since long time. Its not that I haven't written anything. there are many posts pending in draft. I just don't feel like publishing them. Why? because when I reread them i find them as full of lies. They aren't really "my" thoughts. or to be more precise, they are results of some very temporary states of mind. i change too quickly; so much so that I no longer know what my fundamental belief system is. whatever I think I also am aware of its opposite, and thus begins an infinite regression of thoughts, leading nowhere.
Now, what to write? not that I lack material to write, the problem is just opposite - too many things, but none with a solid basis. I want to write, but just don't know what!

I think I would like to share some realizations I am having since past some time. Choosing one over the other is not going to give you peace. Truth is neither on the left side nor on right. all choices are biased, all choices are corrupted. choice, by its very nature, is corrupted. so there remains no point in thinking that left is more better or good than right; as long as you choose between them its bound to won't get the desired result (by result i mean things like peace, happiness, truth etc.). This is one of the fundamental things I have learnt from past experiences.
Truth lies somewhere inbetween, through a, kind of, smooth, seamless path that pierces through this duality of choice and goes beyond it. a state where these choices don't matter. a state where you are not concerned with results. ofcourse results are going to make effect on you, yet they don't matter. you see them with a dispassionate eye, or atmost, with compassion. I don't know how to define it, how to make it more clear, but I have felt that state, experienced it many times. I used to experience it in my school days also and even now it occasionally occurs, mostly while travelling in bus,.. and all doubts seem to clear up. Then i try to explore it more and more because I know its very temporary state and the moment I enter my house and say the first words to some family member it will be gone. it used to happen then, it happens now. So i try to explore it as long as it remains so that i may try to induce it at home too. But you know there hasn't been much success. I have been able to recognize some its properties, its characteristics, one of which i have written above. but that doesn't change anything. one hour of home environment is enough to completely forget it and return to same old behavior. Then even if I try to I can't produce even a momentary glimpse of it...even the memory of that experience becomes corrupted. so engrossed and entangled I get into the web of choices. you can imagine the impenetrability of this web by the fact that choosing to become choiceless is also a choice! its something transcendental, something that happens but you can't do it.

Well that's it. maybe i will write more about it later...


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