Friday 19 April 2013

Decoding Suffering

How can one think rightly if his mind is not free. its a vicious circle, a very dark, violent, hellious, inescapable circle. suppose one's mind has changed somewhat (which keeps happening from time to time). now there will originate conflict b'coz of differences of past and present. this conflict will lead to suffering. he will suffer and will think for ways to get out of this suffering. but nothing will work since the origin of change of mind is not in our hand. and so things won't work out and he will thus suffer more because of this frustration of why am i not getting out of suffering while i am putting this much effort. this will flood his mind with fears and passions and desires. and in this way his mind gets bounded and no longer remains free the way it was before change. now because of these passions filling his mind he won't be able to think rightly.  the more he will think of ways to get out the more he will sink. ah! what pity. what viciousness and violence! Is there no way out? is one doomed to suffer?
for solution we must take a deeper look at its origin. why did his mind change? well, in my experience i have found that here there is no control of me. mind seems to have its own mind. it changes all by itself. perhaps based on some other laws like astrology, or perhaps not. But the change is there, and it can occur anytime. that's for sure. Now why does conflict arise because of this change? here may lie the solution because after conflict suffering is bound to come and with that everything else. why can't one accept change and MOVE ON? if he could do so, perhaps he will never suffer.
How does one suffer? what is this suffering? to tell you frankly, a suffering that can be put in proper names and statement is a very superficial suffering. a very childish, on the surface, Hippocritic suffering. But this is what is visible to us. we can think in words only. so we take it for true and keep working on it. have you ever tried to FEEL your suffering? not to put it in words or its causes but just to  feel suffering alone? here lies its reality. you will find that you are not suffering from this or that, but there is just suffering itself. a cause unto itself. it is a mind filled with trouble, a chaotic mind. that's what suffering is -- a chaos.
Now, how to get out of all this?.. from this suffering? What happened with me this time is what I am going to write now.
My mind is in chaos. I am in chaos because I am this and I want to be that. I am split. I am spending my days in suffering. Thinking ways to get out of all this. but none is working. some may console me for some time or work temporarily for some time but again and again it comes down to suffering. so that's how my days are passing. Now, what if you suddenly one day feel quite at ease. what if you feel like suddenly a load has been removed from your head and you are feeling light after a long time. Has this ever happened to you? maybe you are visiting a new place, or have just finished a light, heartly chit-chat with your loved one or dear friend. have you felt relieved at such occasions...a temporary forgetfulness of a heavy load of daily thinking pattern for some moments? It may happen at such moments. MAY. I am not saying that it WILL happen at such moments or ONLY at such moments. no. I just wanted to give a kind of hint of how it feels when it happens.  In my case I was attending a seminar. there was a kind guy teaching there. very honest and frank kind. so I enjoyed the whole time of seminar, not by its content but by the way he was teaching..his voice and all that. and when I came out (I was alone as none of my friend agreed to wait for it) i was walking down the stairs and then towards the water-cooler. at this time I suddenly reflected on myself. and I found that i was not worried. I was not in any troubled state. before this, my past usually used to come over me to give me all kind of worries and anxieties the moment i used to be alone. but not this time. the past was not over me. I was in present. and i was at ease. and in all my journey of one and half hour through bus i just kept reflecting on myself and comparing my present state with past states. and it lead to a kind of bliss in all over my head and mind. I was feeling very light and happy.
This was personal experience, but what had happened was that I got out of my troubled state. so easily, so in a smooth fashion.
But now, after 2 days or so, I can again see it coming back. all that is again taking branches in my mind. and perhaps I will soon fall back in same old trap and circle. the fiber of net maybe new (or maybe not) but the trap is same. not I, but my mind. but since I am identified with my mind, I will too.

What I learned from all this is that Truth is neither in worrying nor in not worrying, since both are temporary states. Why at one time mind is troubled and in peace at another time? why are its states so temporary? whatever the reason. but its not its temporariness that leads to suffering. its my playing the role, my identification with the state. mind changes, and I gets changed with it. almost immediately I take up the new roles given to me and starts playing again. Don't become the player again. remain detached, don't get carried away. none of your doing matters. it doesn't better things up, at best it only worsens them. guard yourself.

"Be at peace Govinda, Be at peace."      -- from the movie 'Siddharta'